One Eternal Round

God is all about circles. I think it's His favorite shape. All of the planets and moons in the solar system, not to mention the sun, are round. Flowers have little circles in their centers. Our heads are circular too. God uses this shape to show His perfectness and continuance in all things.

I feel like the Lord creates all things in life to be full circle. Every person who has lived on this earth has had at least one experience that requires them to question the world around them and take actions to do something about the problems they see. In doing this, they create for themselves a new chapter in their lives where they learn and grow God's way; through experience.

I had the opportunity to meet Dr. Wangari Maathai this week. She is a Nobel Peace Prize winner, and the first woman in Centeral and Eastern Africa to gain a docterate degree. She earned the Nobel by teaching the women of her hometown in Nairobie, Kenya how to plant seeds, which grew into trees, to prevent soil errosion from devestating their area and creating more famine and pestilance. While speaking at the Abu Dhabi Women's College this week she said, "We, [the women in my village and myself] realized that you do not need to go to school to learn how to dig a hole and put a seed in the ground and water it. That is all you have to do and the trees just grow! We thought that you needed to be fully educated to grow trees, but with a little coaching we were able to turn millions of tiny seeds into full grown trees."

Her comment struck me in its simplicity. It made me ask myself, what holes have I not dug because I thought that I needed to learn more? What opportunities have I missed because I was hesitant to pick up a shovel?

Bill Clinton was on Oprah recently about his book titled, "Giving." She had also invited other people who are giving more to others to her show. Their was a teenage girl who had given money to kids in Africa because of Oprah's show. There was a tennis star who created a school for inner city kids, where they teach them to be respectful and honorable citizens. Also on the show was a girl who saved pennies to help people almost 10 years ago and gave Oprah the idea for her Angel's Network. While watching Oprah tell these stories about people who went out and did something for people they don't even know, I felt so selfish.

I know that on the outside, my life has been easy because of the fact that I've never had to go hungry, or had to sleep outside on the street. But my life has still been a challenge to me. It has been very hard for me in the past to see beyond my own nose because my mind was such a mess. My brain was so full of clutter and noise and my heart was full of confusion because of what I thought I should be. My body was tired and unhealthy. But the truth is that I was making it hard on myself. Though I felt the pressure from outside influences and events, the greatest pressure came from my own ideas and my own perceptions of the world.

I've healed in the last six months in a way that I can only begin to describe. My mind has been healed of the inaccuracies that haunted me. My body has been healed of the sickness that slowed me down. But most importantly, my heart has been opened so that I can see outside of myself. I can finally see. And I truly care.

While not much has changed on the outside from my perspective, much has changed on the inside. My family is turning 6 this Friday. Our family was made official through the court systems 6 years ago, though it took 2 years to get to that point, and 45 years for my parents to find each other! It was well worth the wait. We are more connected than we ever have been. Tessa and Dallas are doing excellently. Tessa is as sweet and kind as she ever was and is growing more and more into an intelligent and communicative woman every day. Dallas is also growing, but he's doing more growing in his body than in his character. (He's always had a good heart and has been strengthened to listen to it.) He's almost as tall as me and his voice has been changing this month. It's been more annoying than one could have guessed it would be, but we'll forgive him for it. My mother is very busy with her job, but she is always an example to me of the perfect woman because she bears her burdens with a smile, not because she's pretending, but because she is full of love and it is in everything that she does. She's taught me that it is easy to love someone who is already brimming with love and light. My father is getting busier every day too. It's been good for me to see him doing his thing and doing it well because I've gained a respect for him that wasn't there before. His business is coming together (after 10 years of trials!) and I know that very soon we won't be able to spend every minute together lazing about, like we have all summer becuase he'll have so much to do. Out of all the family relationships I've improved his summer, his and mine has changed the most. I can hold his hand and be proud to be his daughter because I respect and love him deeply. I'm still in shock that in six months my heart, my life, my love could change so much. God truly has blessed me and I cannot give Him enough gratitude. I'm hoping to return to work or school soon. I need to get started on my doctrate degree after what Dr. Maathai told me! But this time, I know I'll be going to school for serious instead of for play. I know that will make all the difference in whether I succeed or not. I'm grateful -- in advance -- for the money that God is going to send to me to be able to go to school. I trust in him and I know he'll come through!

P.S. I also was inspired with a name for my future sandwich shop today: Serious Sandwiches. "We don't mess around, but our sandwiches will make you messy!" -- Sorry just had to write that down so I don't loose the idea.

In conclusion, I feel that many things have come full circle this week for me and my family. We have seen God's hand in all things and testify that he is watching us and is actively invloved in our lives. Look for His hand, and you too will see it.

I can feel something happening in this world. Times are changing and God is showing that all things are full circle. When I saw that little girl who inspired Oprah 10 years ago, and that she was in the audience that day, I saw that God is all about circles. He is one eternal round. The beginning and the ending are always related and more connected than we realize. I don't know what's going to happen in my life. I don't know whether I'll be in Africa holding the sick Aids orphans and comforting them, or whether I'll be in America helping people to straighten out the medical situation that is disasterous right now. I could stay in the Middle East and help Arabs and Americans to change the misconceptions about the world they live in. I don't know what blessings the Lord has in store for me, but I do know that whatever it is, I am excited for it! I am excited to pick up the shovel and get digging! I pray that God places a shovel in my hand and shows me where to dig the hole, because after all, it's His vineyard I'm working in and He is the best one to show me where to do the work. Look for His hand, and you too will see it guiding you where to put your shovel.

^ (up) date

It's beautiful how God weaves a pattern for our lives. He takes a thread of one friendship and places it in the context of your own unique rug. Here in the UAE, they still use the ancient techniques of rug manufacturing and the results are always stunning. They can weave the most intricate patterns and sometimes combine the most unusual colors together. But one thing stays constant -- every rug is unique.

I feel like my life is developing a new pattern. It started with leaving the US and coming here which took a lot of gumption for me to pick up and leave like I did. I've changed a lot in the time I've been here. I changed the tempo of my life to be a slow and pensive pace. I started meditating. I started taking vitamins and eating healthy food. I started praying and reading my scriptures more consistantly. I worked hard to resolve issues with each of my family members and have grown to love them more deeply and with more commitment than ever before. I feel like all of these blessings are from God and because of the steps I took to grow closer to Him. The longer I've been here, the more I've shed my old skin and aquired a new one.

With the new skin came new thoughts and feelings. I've become unsatisfied in shallow relationships and yearn to develop real connections with people. Wich lead me to examine my long relationship with Anthonie. The truth is I could never commit fully to him. Something held me back and as much as I wanted to marry him, I always felt like it was the wrong time or that we needed more in our relationship. I know now that we needed more love. We had a sort of love, but it wasn't a true love. As we continued to work it out while I was here and he was there, I began to see more clearly that we were indeed lacking true love. But we continued to keep giving each other the benefit of the doubt and hoping that we would eventually be able to be together. This week, it came to a climax and the truth was revealed through our actions. He does not truly love me and I could not truly love him until we could both love ourselves and be whole individually. I've travelled a long time with Anthonie and I enjoyed his company. But it was time to say good-bye. And so we did. I feel content. I feel at peace and resolved in my mind and heart. It's such a wonderful feeling to be rid of confusion and drama. I'm continually thankful that I could be on this journey of self discovery and I'm so excited for it to continue!

So other than the news of truly ending my year and a half long relationship with Anthonie, there is little else to report. Dallas had his birthday and turned 13. He's so tall and getting lankier every day! It's been fun to get to know him again and see his excitement about computers and stuff. Our family is celebrating our birthday on the 26th. It's amazing to think that eight years ago we were adopted by Gary Clay Roberts. Our lives changed so much after that moment and it's been a process of upward growth ever since.

I'm so happy here in the UAE. I truly am. Life is beautiful and it's wonderful to be able to enjoy my family every day and when it's time to leave here, I'll be happy too. I know I'm happy because I'm at peace. I know I'm at peace because I've turned to God and asked for his help in my life. It was a choice that made all the difference to me.